Yesterday I was having a bad day. I was feeling down about my struggles, the children’s struggles and the monotony of my life. I was feeling very depressed, snapping at the kids, no patience and longing for some adult company. I let myself be overcome with emotion. I started to cry. I started to cry really hard. Cry because my children have Autism, cry because of this, they cannot functionally speak, cry because I feel like there was no end this hardship…. Then it happened, my beautiful Tyson ran upstairs. I didn’t pay much attention to it until he returned, with a scrunched up peice of toilet paper to which he started dabbing at my eyes with. MY BABY!!! Now I was overcome with even more emotion. It was a realisation that although my sweet Babies can’t verbalise their thoughts, actions can speak louder. Looking into my Sons eyes as he lovingly wiped my tears, I was shown that I cannot, nor will I ever give up on these Little Boys. No matter how hard my days feel, it’s moment like these that shine infinitely over the sad. I Love My Babies ❤
Well it’s less than an hour til school pick up and the beginning of the Easter holidays…. This for me means, four kids everyday for at least two weeks bored as shit around the house. I say this because I am at the moment, a single parent, with two older Sons and two younger Autistic Sons, it’s a little hard to do something with them all that is age appropriate. Not to mention the cost of all the potential possibility of things to do. Tonight I don’t “celebrate” as one said to me when I crack open my bottle of vodka, the beginnings of the school holidays, but rather as a mind numb for me on this monotonous Friday afternoon, wishing I had someone to share it with me, making the meltdowns which without a doubt will occur through the night, that much more bareable. Although I am blessed to have these four beautiful boys around me, I am loney. I want so much to enjoy an adult night out once in a while, to have parents that aren’t assholes and would take my, their grand kids for a night for the shear joy of it. Instead I sit here, watching the world go by, feeling an overwhelming sadness, loneliness and emptiness all in one.
So, it’s time to leave to take the older boys to school. This morning I’m not even going to battle the twins to change out of their pj’s, we are not going anywhere today. That shaves off about 15 minutes of struggle and scream time getting out the door. So now everyone’s packed in the car ready to go, on time. Not five minutes into the drive than who decides to start wailing ear piercingly loud… Jordan!!! Araghhhh!!! I now had Tyson crying and hitting Jordan, which didn’t help the situation and my eldest son yelling for Jordan to shut up and Tyson to stop… Faaaarrrrrrkkkk!!! Had to keep my cool cause I was driving, my car is also not in the best condition and has been stalling in traffic on me, so I have to be cautious of this becoming a problem, I’m now yelling at my oldest son to tell him it’s pointless yelling at his little brother and he will be at school in 10 minutes, so just block it out best you can. I always tried to acknowledge calmly how everyone is feeling, but that can wear off quickly when it’s relentless. The hardest part is hoping, hoping that your child will turn to you and tell you exactly what the problem for them is… This is a sloooooowwww process that I can’t wait to have success with one day. I have a beautiful Son with a limb difference, I used to think, would it be easier if his difference was hidden, meaning I was worried about how the world would perceive him… The answer I know, or feel to that is no. An inside difference like Autism is far greater a challenge than a difference on the outside. An outside difference is what you see is what you get… Autism I am still struggling for answers….. Time for coffee number 2!!!